Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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