Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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