Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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