If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
