life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
