I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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