he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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