I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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