No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
