If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
