you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
