Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
