Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
