you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
cat food counts as protein by the way
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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