Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
