I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
