on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
