Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
