can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
