Small penises have feelings too.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
