hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
