I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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