There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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