thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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