I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
