I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
