Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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