hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
