Sry I called you an 8
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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