Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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