So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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