im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
