I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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