well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
