I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
where does the pee come out of this thing
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
