after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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