Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
