I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
