I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
