I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
