would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
