You really coming over, don't trick.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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