Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
