Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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