My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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