i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just forgot I was standing up.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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