I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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