My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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