Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
