so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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