You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
