i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
God I need to hump something, right now.
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