Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
