If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
