Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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