How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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