Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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