Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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