Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
