I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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