Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
