he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
My feet surprised me
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