Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize